Ode to Matt
Dear Matt,
You are such a jerk.
How are you such a jerk, you ask? Let me count the ways:
—Matt goes to strip clubs and tries to “save” strippers from their “depraved existence.” He only does this after he’s gotten several lap dances from the same girl, during which he cries the whole time. He also encroaches on the “no touch” rule.
—Have you ever heard the expression “two-beer-queer”? Well, Matt could be described as a “no-beer-special-needs-pedo-necro-phile-queer.”
—Matt bases most of his clothing style choices on what they wear on “Gossip Girl” but the difficulty is that his venue choice is limited to K-Mart.
—Mothers Against Drunk Driving had to change its acronym after they met Matt to MADDEBMWSTOH (Mothers Against Drunk Driving Except By Matt Who Should Totally Off Himself)
—041522385 is Matt’s SSN which, if you assign each letter to its alphabetical equivalent, spells “douche.”
—Matt, when asked to pass a condiment at dinner, will pick it up, sprinkle it on his own food first, and then hand it over.
—Matt possessed Nick Hogan and caused that accident which put that dude into a vegetative state. He also possesses Hulk Hogan regularly because he thinks it’s funny when people call other people “brother” too much.
—Matt is the morning rain drop that finds its way between your shirt collar and the back of your neck.
—Matt is the sneeze that never manifests.
—Matt moves the faucet a tiny bit so it’s too hot when you get in the shower in the morning.
—Matt is in control of probability which is why you, reader, will never win the lottery. Pure spite.
—Matt is seeing your dad in a gay porn.
3 years ago